Grief Changes Us: Understanding Grief, the Brain, and the Path Forward

By Eileen Borski, LPC, NCC
Licensed Professional Counselor | Certified EMDR Therapist | Certified Neurofeedback Provider

Grief is one of the most universal human experiences—and one of the most personal. For people considering grief counseling in Conroe, TX, understanding what grief can do to the brain, body, and nervous system can be an important first step toward recognizing that there is no single “right” way to grieve.

Although we can understand that suffering as part of life is something that happens, this knowledge does little to ready us for the actual experience of grief when someone we love is gone.

Grief may seem like sadness, but it can also manifest as exhaustion, anxiety, anger, confusion, numbness, restlessness, or just the feeling that the world is different from the way it was before.

At times it comes in waves, while on other occasions it remains quietly in the background until a song, a photograph, a familiar place, a holiday, or a simple ordinary moment unexpectedly makes the loss come rushing back. There is not one right way of grieving.

And perhaps one of the most important things to understand about grief is this: You do not need to forget the person you lost in order to heal. What this involves is learning bit by bit how to hold on to the love, the memories, and the loss yet still going on with one’s life.

What Is Grief?

Grief is the emotional reaction that occurs after suffering a major loss; even though it is commonly linked with death, people may also grieve the loss of a relationship, their health, their independence, their career, their home, or the future which they had expected to have.

According to the American Psychological Association, grief involves an experience which can consist of emotional and physical distress, confusion, a longing, preoccupation with the past, and anxiety regarding the future.

Since grief has an impact that goes beyond emotions, it is not uncommon for people to be surprised by the strong effect it can have on daily functioning.

You may notice:

Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
Forgetfulness or feeling mentally foggy
Changes in sleep
Changes in appetite
Fatigue
Irritability
Anxiety or restlessness
Physical tension
Feeling emotionally numb
Crying unexpectedly
Wanting to withdraw from other people
Feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities that once seemed manageable

It doesn’t necessarily indicate that there’s a problem; such experiences may in fact be part of the way the mind and body react to major loss.

There Is No Perfect Timeline for Grief

The “stages of grief” are something that many people have heard of and believe that one should pass from one stage to another in a predictable manner. Grief doesn’t usually work in that neat a way.

Both research and current grief psychology point out that people do not always go through the stages of grief in a systematic order and that there is no universal schedule indicating when one should start to feel better. You could one day be fairly steady, while the following day a small thing might cause an unexpected surge of sadness. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re moving backward. That grief does not follow a straight line.

Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, familiar music, photographs, smells, family traditions, and even good news can bring renewed feelings of loss. Sometimes, the moments when we instinctively want to call or tell the person something are when their absence feels most. We are asked over and over again to get used to a world in which an important person is no longer physically there. What does the brain do during a period of grief? Grief is not felt merely in an emotional way; the brain and nervous system are also involved.

If a person has been deeply integrated into our lives then our brains have formed expectations in relation to that person’s presence. We expect their voice. We anticipate seeing them. We know their routines. We link places, traditions, sounds, smells, and experiences with them.

The reality has changed after a person dies, but the brain retains the deep patterns and expectations. It might be for this reason that grief can at times be disorienting. When adjusting to a loss we have to keep on noticing the difference between what our brain expects and what is now the case.

Grief can also place a great deal of demand on one’s attention, memory, sleep, and ability to regulate emotions. This may be what leads to the experience that people frequently speak of as “grief brain” – feeling distracted, forgetful, mentally drained, or finding it harder to concentrate than normal. This can be especially frustrating for someone who is used to working at a high level. It could be useful to remember that your brain is dealing with a tremendous change.

Grief Can Affect the Nervous System

Loss can cause the body to trigger its stress response. You could find that you are more easily startled, more emotionally overwhelmed, resistive, tense, or exhausted. Sleep might alter and your mind could go over conversations or situations surrounding the death. At times the nervous system works in the opposite way and the person then feels disconnected, numb, or as if they are just going through the motions. The two experiences may happen when one is grieving.

One reason why looking after your nervous system can be so important is that it forms a key part of self-care following a loss.

Simple practices may help:

It is advisable to keep the essential routines whenever you can.
Eat often and drink enough water.
Allow yourself adequate rest.
Spend time outdoors or do some light exercise.
When your emotions become overwhelming, try doing slow breathing or some grounding exercises.
Keep in touch with those people who make you feel safe and supported.
During especially tough times, it is necessary to reduce unnecessary expectations.

Such strategies will not eliminate grief, but they can help to create sufficient stability so that the mind and body are able to deal with it.

You Don’t Have to “Get Over” Someone

A phrase that people who are grieving often hear is that they will one day have to move on. I consider grief differently. The aim doesn’t have to be to leave someone behind. As time goes on, we develop the ability to move ahead yet still maintain a significant connection with the person we loved.

That link can be maintained through stories, traditions, photographs, recipes, faith, music, acts of charity, family get-togethers, or by simply observing the impact that person had on the people we have become. Remembering does not stop healing. For a great many people, the process of remembering is involved in the act of healing.

When Grief and Trauma Intersect

It isn’t the case that all losses are traumatic, though grief and trauma may at times happen together. The sudden, unexpected, frightening, or complicated way in which someone dies may cause the person to grieve that individual while at the same time having to cope with the disturbing memories associated with how the death took place.

Rather than recalling the full course of that person’s life, the mind tends to keep coming back to the hospital room, the accident, the phone call, the last days, or other unpleasant situations. Individuals can have intrusive memories, avoid certain things, feel guilty, experience anxiety, or respond with strong physical reactions when exposed to reminders.

It may be advisable to have trauma-focused counseling when the symptoms of trauma become mixed with grief.

EMDR therapy is one of the methods which can help the brain to work through distressing or traumatic memories that still feel emotionally ‘stuck’. EMDR doesn’t remove memories or get rid of the love and sadness caused by losing someone; rather, the treatment might help to lessen the intensity of the traumatic elements of the experience so that the loss can be recalled within the broader context of the person’s life and relationships.

When Does Grief Become Prolonged Grief?

Most people go through considerable grief without it leading to a mental health disorder.

For certain people, though, the sense of grief is still very strong and continues to affect their everyday activities for a long time.

Prolonged Grief Disorder is included in the DSM-5-TR; for adults the diagnosis must be based on the fact that at least 12 months have elapsed since the death, together with persistent yearning or preoccupation and other symptoms which cause clinically significant distress or impairment. The symptoms can be a difficulty in coming to terms with the death, severe emotional pain, emotional numbness, loneliness, trouble in reestablishing contact with life, or the feeling that life now has no meaning.

It is important to note that having a calendar by itself does not tell you whether someone is grieving in the proper way.

Grief is affected by culture, faith, the relationships involved, the circumstances surrounding the death, and individual differences.

You do not need to have Prolonged Grief Disorder to seek counseling. You can seek support simply because something is difficult.

What might help you when you are grieving?

There is no formula for grieving, but certain things can help the healing process. Let the emotions stay as they are.

Someone might find that attempting to prevent oneself from feeling grief can sometimes make an experience which was difficult from the start still more so. It is possible for sadness, anger, relief, guilt, gratitude and even instances of happiness to occur together.

Stay connected.

Grief may lead to a desire to retreat. Although some solitude can be beneficial, long-term isolation can make it harder to cope with the situation. You might want to find a few people who will accept you as you are. Tell the stories. It is important to talk about the person who has died if you want to keep the connection going and come to terms with the loss. Allow yourself to feel joy.

The fact that you are laughing doesn’t mean that you’ve forgotten about them, and the fact that you are enjoying your day doesn’t show that your love for them has lessened.

Adjust expectations.
Your level of concentration, energy, motivation, and productivity might change for a short time, and it could happen that ‘good enough’ is actually enough in this period.

Create rituals of remembrance.
Go to a place that has meaning for you. Prepare your favorite meal. Carry on a tradition. Hear their music. Tell their stories. Back something that they cared about.

There are an infinite number of ways of continuing to love a person after they have died.

When Counseling May Help

It is worth seeking professional assistance if grief becomes too intense, if you are unable to carry on with the important parts of your life, if disturbing memories are hindering your recovery, or if you think that you shouldn’t have to go through the experience by yourself.

Counseling offers an environment in which you need not try to shield other people from your grief. There’s no need to feign being better off than you actually are. You have no need to cease talking about the person just because all the rest of them appear to be ready to move on.

And a safe place sometimes comes about when one is able to tell the truth about what hurts. To tell the truth about what hurts.We feel sad because someone was important to us. We grieve because someone mattered. The depth of the sorrow usually shows how important the relationship was and what a significant role that person played in our lives. The fact that someone is healed does not mean that the person ceases to matter.

It could indicate a slow progression towards a point at which recalling the past brings more than just pain—instead, it might bring about gratitude, laughter, a sense of connection, and love. There will always be times when you long for them. There will always be times when you wish you could say them one more thing. It doesn’t indicate that you haven’t recovered. That is to say that the relationship was important.

And love does not simply disappear when someone dies.

Grief Counseling and EMDR Therapy

I offer counseling and EMDR therapy to adult clients who are going through grief, trauma, anxiety, and other difficult life experiences at Authentic Brain Solutions. My method combines evidence-based counseling with an understanding of the brain and the nervous system; in cases where grief has become linked with traumatic memories, EMDR therapy might be one possibility for helping to work through those experiences.

Authentic Brain Solutions is located in Conroe, Texas, and serves individuals in Conroe, The Woodlands, Montgomery, Willis, and surrounding communities. Telehealth EMDR services are also available where appropriate in states where I am licensed to practice.

If grief is affecting your daily life—or you need a safe place to process a significant loss—you don’t have to navigate it alone.

Schedule a free 15-minute consultation with Authentic Brain Solutions to learn whether counseling or EMDR may be a good fit for you.

This article is for educational purposes and is not intended to diagnose or treat any mental health condition.

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